These days we use the internet for everything - buying concert tickets, groceries and rare collectibles; booking travel; connecting with friends and old classmates; looking up random facts; streaming porn and hocking our wares. It's no wonder that we also rely on the web for job searching and dating. Two uses I've become very familiar with over the past year. I had grown accustomed to my morning ritual of browsing the local Craigslist wanted ads, followed by a cruise through MediaBistro and various other career sites in hopes of landing my dream job. Instead, however, I was faced with the standard corporate marketing/press crap postings spewing long lists of prerequisites that sounded as foreign to me as Swahili despite the fact that I've worked in the industry for over six years now. None of them seemed to challenge my capabilities or were near as exciting as the gigs I've had in the past, traveling the country and world for some top clients. Though I figured that some of them could possibly be a good "for now" job. All the while still banking on the fact that one of my past clients would come through for me, or that one of the other "hot" agencies in town that I'd rubbed elbows with in the past, would eventually get more work and finally have a place for me in house. Though with this crappy economy, most of the agencies, if they weren't laying off, were holding on tight to those in house producers spreading them thin by having them do the job of 5 people, putting me on the back burner.
One day, while conducting my job search online, I actually read one of the flashy banner ads on the side of my computer, telling me that they could help me find love in 6 months or my money back . First I found it odd that I would have to pay to find love, after all, I thought the best things in life were free. But then seeing as how everything also comes at a price, decided that maybe it wasn't so bad, especially if they were pairing it with a guarantee. I mean, none of these jobs sites were offering such a promising deal. Curious, I browsed through some of the local singles in my area, but wasn't terribly excited by any of the prospects. In fact, I became more discouraged than I already was with the dating scene in Seattle. You see, I have a theory that 3/4 of the men in Seattle are gay, and those who aren't are still 3/4 gay. This theory is mostly based on the high population of gay men in liberal Seattle (especially on Capitol Hill where I live) and also on the fact that many of the men are incredibly vain and insanely passive. This makes it extremely difficult for outgoing, strong willed, single women such a myself to be approached by men, let alone find one suitable for dating in this relatively small city (compared to New York that is).
I decided to take this topic to my friends and get their feedback. I was astonished to find that most of my friends had tried online dating at some point and even found their significant others using this process. I've never felt as though I was looking for a relationship since I've proven over the years, that I don't NEED anyone to help me with mundane household chores or to make me happy. But after hearing their encouraging words, concluding that if nothing else, it was a chance to meet some interesting people and have a few stories to tell, I figured why the hell not and set out to find the site most compatible with me...a fete in itself . Match.com seemed a little too marriagy for me- still not there yet. The women seemed desperate as if their ovaries were aching and the men were either the cliche computer, techy nerds bearing no social skills whatsoever, or the men I had been running into all over town but never had the balls to ask a girl out to her face. However, I thought that site boasted by Seattle's alternative local newspaper offered a suitable array of men with similar interests as my self and who all seemed to be just trying this thing out, not making it their way of life. While many of my New York friends raved about the free site Okcupid.com. So I signed up for both! Figuring, since I had ample time on my hands, I might as well give it a whirl.
I carefully filled in all the appropriate boxes mixing equal parts intelligence, sass, wit, and charm without sounding the least bit desperate. Maybe I could find a fellow freelancing (err, unemployed) creative professional or someone who worked nights to spend their days with me accompanying me on the couch while I conducted my employment search or on fun filled day trips to the many places in Seattle I've not yet been. Or, better yet, someone who to conspire with me on a few of my "big ideas" or just a rich sugar daddy to whisk me away on world excursions or to fund my market that I so desperately want to open (more on that in a later post).
Within the first two days, I'd received approximately 32 responses, only two of which were worthy of 5 seconds of my time to reply "thanks, but no thanks." Finally,after weeks of disappointment, there came one that sounded promising...age appropriate, chef, lived off The Hill, and had traveled the world. When he asked me to play hooky with him on a Monday by meeting him at Golden Gardens I was already smitten. We agreed to meet on by the swings in the afternoon then possibly go for a boozy lunch, something we'd both picked up from living in Europe. By the time I arrived at the park, he was waiting on the swings, staring intently as I parked my scooter and removed my helmut, quickly looking me over deciding if he was going to bolt. Luckily he wasn't too frightened, because he was still perched in his swing when I approached him, shook his hand and took the swing next to his, shuffling my feet in the sand, twisting awkwardly in my too small of swing making me instantly self conscience as to the size of my butt. Physically, my first impression was not bad. Height weight proportionate (especially since I like just a little extra something to snuggle up to), sexy deep brown eyes and a simple, slightly dirty, white t-shirt and khaki cargo shorts that showed he's a bit of a worker and who could probably help hang shelves or fix a leak if I needed (tough I'm not one to ever admit that I need help). Perhaps his sunglasses were a little douchey and his teeth yellowed from way too much smoking, but overall, not bad. He was easy to talk to which quickly set me mind at ease from him possibly being some social outcast. He wasn't too touchy or staring at my chest, so I was pretty certain that he was a total pervert.
Our conversation flowed easily, mainly because I was asking a lot of questions. He didn't seem to mind doing most of the talking and I was okay with not talking about myself, my lack of work, or my lack of long term relationship in the past...oh...8 years. Though the first warning sign occurred within the first 5 minutes of conversation when he answered my question about his working as a personal chef in Spain with a "we" when it clearly only warranted an "I" response. So after a few more "we" responses, I decided it was perfectly acceptable for me to inquire about this "we". Perhaps he was a mammas boy, had a best travel bud, or even a dog that he lived with and accompanied him on his journeys. But, just as I suspected, the "we" was in fact an ex-girlfriend of 5 years with whom he'd broken up with 6 months prior. Despite his many efforts to reassure me he was "over her", it didn't take Dr. Phil to realize that clearly he was not. Of course my naive self saw this as a challenge, believing that possibly I could be the one open his eyes to fact that his ex had been a selfish and lost soul living off mommy and daddy at, get this, 43 years of age, and that there were cute, fun, spontaneous, self-sufficient women out there as young and fresh as 30.
The date continued well and we ended up grabbing a few drinks before he decided that, instead of going out to eat, he was going to dazzle me with his culinary skills. After that date, we continued to hang out quite a bit, but developed a very odd relationship. We talked A LOT about his ex-girlfriend and I was clearly taking on the good friend/confidant role, but then we'd be cuddled up on a blanket by the lake or on my couch smooching and tenderly stroking one another's back, arm, hand, hair. Needless to say, it was confusing, especially since he insisted on telling me about the other girls he had gone out with...though none of them more than once. Only I had was great enough to have received that honor (enter sarcastic look/tone here). True, I had been on other dates as well during our time together, but none that panned out or that I was going to tell him about. It was obvious that I was the one giving in this relationship and he was reaping the benefits - buying his drinks, packing our picnics, offering advice on getting over the ex, and lending the keys to my apartment while I was out of town...oh, did I mention he was in between apartments as well? Why was I giving so much and settling for so little? Had the past year of no work lowered my self esteem so much that I was willing to settle for a one-off home cooked dinner and a few kisses? Even though they were darn good kisses. Luckily the situation resolved itself when he left town for the summer and I got back my self respect.
If you know me at all, you know that I'm not one to give up easily and will pursue what I put my mind to no matter how ridiculous the cause. Yes, I was that girl who tried to swallow a tablespoon of cinnamon, without water or liquid to wash it down, when double-dared at a slumber party proving that it can in fact be done, though I strongly advise against it. So I got back on the dating wagon in hopes of finding someone more substantial than prospect #1. I met neurotics, vegans, drama kings, cliche passive aggressive Seattlites and one passive-aggressive neurotic vegan who constantly sought drama. It was this unappetizing combo who finally knocked some sense into me. That sense being that if you really want to find happiness in love and in work, you're not going to find it online. Though the internet is a great place to find a slap chop, a mint condition Snoopy Sno-Cone machine and your 7th grade boyfriend who is now a bouncer at a gay goth bar in downtown Dayton, it is not a place to find your soulmate or your dream career. Those are two things that require good ole fashioned dedication, networking and, gasp, human interaction. You must put in face time with people who know you and all the wonderful things that separate you from the masses. You have to trust that they have your best interest in mind and may be able to see an opportunity that you don't. And, though it may pain you to admit it, you just might have to ask those people for help along the way. After all, while you might be able to hang a shelf yourself, it takes someone else to tell you if you're holding it in the right spot.
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